I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
