We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
