Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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