I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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