Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
