I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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