were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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