Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
