Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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