It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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