11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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