I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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