Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
