she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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