Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
