I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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