i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
