I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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