Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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