the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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