went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
