I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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