haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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