if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
