Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Fuck appropriateness.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
