I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
