Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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