Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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