it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize