There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
