Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
