I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
