Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
