i always forget guys have bellybuttons
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
