so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
