Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
