i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize