My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Come share oat with me in your robe
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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