My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
