Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
