hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
