I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
