he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
