Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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