The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
