Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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