When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
