I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
