my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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