I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
