He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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