Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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