I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
