im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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