Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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