My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
