he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
