Your tits are I can't wait for
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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