dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
