My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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