I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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