and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize