i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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