I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
