he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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