U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
tequila makes me forget i have legs
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
